I wanted to freeze time.

That was all that was going thru my thoughts. As the Doctor spoke I was nodding my head and hearing the words but it was as if I was underwater. We left the hospital and  I watched us leave like a bystander. As I drove away  there he sat in the passenger seat quiet, blind from neurological damage and unable to hold himself up due to what the Doctor felt was a stroke and possible blood clots to the brain. Hard to know for sure without MRI and that was not something they could do at that moment or even something I would agree too. He was in transition and was not going to improve.

Freeze time…..

Driving home from the hospital I purposely missed the turn onto our street and kept driving. Spoon was playing from my Subaru speakers. “Time’s gone inside out” were some of the lyrics and it seemed cuttingly appropriate. I was going to lose him soon. He was transitioning I had noticed about a week earlier but chose to ignore and tell myself he would recover.

How to freeze time…

I just drove. The sun was starting to glimmer, still hazy from the morning mist. Grass sprinkled with diamonds, smoke rising from the shallows, as I drove slowly allowing the song to repeat…”There’s intense gravity”.

 I wanted to stay in this moment frozen in time with him next to me saying nothing, just breathing his calm into the atmosphere. We froze for a moment and it was inside out perfection.

I touched his face and he pressed it into my hand and didn’t try to pull away.  The weight of him felt comforting and soft and safe. How will I sleep without him pressed into me feeling his soft breath on my shoulder and the rhythmic sound of that whisper lulling me to sleep. I wanted to stay suspended in between worlds "just us" as long as I could.

Lightning…

I knew once we went home the questions would come with a speed that would be unstoppable and make this all too real. Bringing the ending closer, quicker, time would not suspend us at that point it would move with lightning speed to the eventual outcome.

Death.

“Time's gone inside out
Time gets distorted with
This intense gravity

There's intense gravity
Yeah, there's intense gravity
I'm just your satellite
I'm just your satellite

Ooh, and I know that time's gone inside out
And now it's only like we told you

Time keeps on going when
We got nothing else to give”

Spoon – Inside Out / They Want My Soul 2014

In Memory of PeeWee …always loved  5/5/2019 - Kerry D'Amato, Executive Director Pet Haven Inc. MN

 

Pets are family. Its extremely difficult to know when the right time is to say goodbye. When we lose one the loss can be felt for years. Until you have a real relationship with a animal, its difficult to understand the deep bond that can capture your total being and leave you in a wake of sadness when these sweet souls leave us. Grief for a loved one knows no boundaries. Love does not discriminate.